I didn’t expect this past week to turn out as amazingly well as it did. I made loads of videos, put past trauma to bed, and now see that I can be and I AM THE WOMAN I SEE MYSELF AS.
I’m really fortunate to have a home where I can feel comfortable being myself and have the support I need to accomplish my dreams. I didn’t know how much it has affected me until this past week.
I’ve been in unstable environments my entire life so worrying about “the right now” instead of the future was always the way I operated. I wasn’t able to think long term because of the insecurity of my home life. Wow, I’m realizing that much more writing this. Throughout my childhood I would start things and have them taken away abruptly due to whatever circumstances, whether they be because we couldn’t afford it, or my mom didn’t like my coach, or I wasn’t living up to my mother’s expectation, or whatever. I think because of that lack of security I continuously “failed” or, as I like to say, decided not to act on it. Not simply because I thought I would fail or it would be a disaster (my spelling is atrocious I’ve corrected so much it’s crazy)., but I always remember thinking “It’s never going to work out anyway.” So many things I would start, become quasi competent and I would need leave my little cocoon in order to grow, then I ended up dropping it all of a sudden. I started recognizing this pattern in the past few years.
Over the past hmmm…10 years or so I’ve wanted to start a business. I would start working on something and then stop. Sometimes it was a financial or technical obstacle that I thought couldn’t surmount alone. I eventually would find a way to do a manual version to fix the technical obstacle or realized I could strike a deal financially or I realized I wouldn’t need the money until later when the business was growing and could earn the money through the business. However, knowing this my efforts would soon halt. My ego would tell me “it’s not going to be successful anyway so why try?” “Do you really want this level of attention on you” “You aren’t going to be able to keep up.” “Someone is going to steal your idea” I think my subconscious mind was so used to things being taken away from me and dreams having been completely evaporated, that it was trying to protect me from the disappointment of it being taken away as soon as I had a taste.
For so long, I beat myself up, calling myself lazy, incompetent, a LOSER. I thought my issues were solely my own failure to take action. No they weren’t. Your environment and emotional wellbeing have a great deal to play in whether or not you are as successful as you want to be. I see that now. Obviously, I created this site back in March/April. I was hitting the ground running and figuring things out. I was THRIVING!!!!!! It was amazing. Then I went through a VERY VERY VERY rough patch with my partner, to the point where I want to leave. Then instability came in. I was only thinking about surviving. This caused a lot of stress an anxiety not just because of the relationship, but figuring out how to continue my life if our relationship were to end, especially since my partner supports me and I don’t have a job and IT’S MOTHERFUCKING COVID. Lots of instability = lots of inactivity. I couldn’t think. This same dynamic has been happening all my life. Thankfully, now, based on Maslow’s hierarchy of Needs, I feel Self-Actualized.
To add to my previous realizations, now looking at this hierarchy of needs when there was a lack of stability or safety I didn’t have love or belonging, I didn’t have friends or intimacy of any kind, and I wasn’t close to my family. Then my self-esteem was always in the gutter. Let’s not even go into feeling as good as I do now, because I pretty much had resigned myself to being miserable thinking “Maybe happiness and fulfillment isn’t for everyone. Maybe it’s not for me.” There is definitely something to this pyramid and I have to check it out.
WOW!!!!! I expected this to be me talking about how I’ve accomplished so much and maybe because I’m in a really stable place. I never expected to extrapolate this to other points in my life and see that DAMN!!!! MASLOW’S HIERARCHY OF NEEDS IS NO JOKE. My introspection/philosophical conjectures have never felt so validated! THANK YOU GOOGLE!
I was meant to read the first part of this book this evening but it’s late and i want to get some sleep since I barely slept last night…KETO INSOMNIA IS REAL.
Night night…Sessalli xx